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© 2016 - 2019 Caitlin Sommer. All rights reserved.

November 8, 2019

 

 

When we very first have our mind cracked open, and the light of awareness creeps in, we first start to see how the pain in our hearts is the result of past wounding. We see a quote or read a book or have a conversation or go to therapy and see — Oh! Abusive, toxic, codependent, narcissistic, or otherwise undesired behaviours are a result of trauma.

Almost inevitably, we are participating in a toxic relationship at the time of our awakening. The Dunning-Kruger effect makes us overnigh...

October 19, 2019

There is a narcissism in our inner emotional lives that leads us to believe that our suffering is unique. The same self-centred logic is applied when we personalize (inwards) and project (outwards) our interactions with others, rather than acknowledging that infinite moments in time lead up to one particular interaction.

Or maybe we do, and we use this imagined back story as a weapon of blame as we desperately try to find a way to let ourself off the hook, or to let them off the hook,...

September 24, 2019

I’ve opened up this little box to write you a note a handful of times in the past few weeks. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. I wanted to talk about the planets or my family or how I’ve been going through everything and nothing at all here in Ottawa.

And really, that’s what I want to talk about today. How much of nothing is happening here at my partner’s parent’s house.

Because that’s the way it should be. A peaceful nothingness.

I used to live waiting for the other shoe to...

August 12, 2019

By Caitlin Sommer

Trigger Warning: Domestic Violence

Today we rode the ferry to Vancouver Island (finally), and drove to find a camping spot. We are in the Cowichan Valley surrounded by incredibly tall trees, moss, beautiful sunshine, low wind, and few bugs.

Across the road we can hear a hoarse yelling. The man is furious. He seems to be upset because the woman left for a few hours while he was cleaning.

It’s on and off. I try to nap and every time I start drifting he gets going again. I...

July 27, 2019

Photo By Robin Atwood of R. A. Portraits 

www.facebook.com/RAportraitbyRobin/

It occurred to me the other day that the word Narcissist can be used in the context of Narcissistic Personality Disorder: a diagnosable condition that is well defined in the world of psychology. It’s common, myself included, for victims of abuse to diagnose the abuser with various conditions including NPD, such as borderline personality disorder, sociopathy, psychopathy, bipolar disorder, etc.

It makes sense th...

June 5, 2019

I used to do it too. Details on details. Story after story. And then this... and then that... Oh, but I forgot about this other part.

I wanted to explain every feeling, every word, every rationalization. I wanted to justify my feelings, justify my thoughts, justify my struggle and indecision.
 

I wanted to justify why I was doing what I was doing. I wanted to vent my frustration and resentment. Then I'd realize how horrible I had made it sound and back pedal over my own story, replacin...

March 16, 2019

Reasons:

1. In the past, it’s “worked” for you, to have a low baseline of needs met, to avoid difficult lessons in healing, to survive.

2. Our brains fire the neuropathways that are used the most.

3. Our abuser conditions us (literally trains our responses) so that they may receive energy from us in a reliable way.


⚡️


What can we do about this?


1. NOTICE: if you can catch yourself in the act, you’ve won half the battle. Because so much of our lives are unconscious (reason why mindfulness...

November 2, 2018

An old photo of us
is pinned in its usual spot
jammed under the edge of the mirror’s frame
and it’s the only one in the house.
we don’t capture our love in
photographs
we live and breathe love
day in and day out.
but today I look at this photo
and I think to myself
maybe it’s time to put that photo
in a picture frame
behind the glass that says
love is here to stay.

November 1, 2018

A narcissist is invisible
when you are
playing their game
sometimes we don’t want to
admit
we were as sick as them
even though we know it’s true
because being a victim is
easier
than healing.
How to spot a narcissist?
instead
show them your strength
stand
unwavering
and stone cold
at your boundary
refuse to indulge their baiting
and
like magic
they become a child before your eyes
their word choice, adult
yet somehow reminiscent of
the playground.

October 31, 2018

my screams aren’t loud enough
to deafen my throbbing heart
sobbing
why? why him? .
(and I can’t remember why I wanted this.)
so instead
I just
collect tears in my heart
and swim through my mourning
like the water of dreams
that is neither warm nor cool
but neutral as a perfect summer’s day.
I dive in head first
and wouldn’t even know I was under water
except for the fact that I
can’t breathe.
(or
I could just
change my mind.)
— Memoirs of a Pisces

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Thank you!  Caitlin